Sharing the Responsibility of Caring for Aging Parents

No matter how close and tight-knit a family is in its earlier years, tension and controversies can arise when taking care of aging parents.

If brothers and/or sisters are available and actively involved, the care-giving burden can be shared among all the siblings, which is great. But it also complicates matters because emotions and differences of opinion can come into play as everyone tries to reach an agreement on emotional, medical and financial decisions.

In this second part of my series on caring for elderly parents, let’s look at some techniques that siblings can use to help them share the care-giving responsibilities.

To make it easier for all family members, be sure to focus first on good communication and then on planning.

I recommend holding a family meeting – or at the very least a family phone conference -to clarify the situation, including the medical, emotional and financial factors that may be involved.

In this session, family members should be able to talk openly about their concerns and desires.

For example, parents should be allowed to tell their children what type of advanced health care they would prefer and whether they want to live at home or somewhere else. Children should be able to explain how they can help, whether it’s their time, financial assistance or even offering their home as a living option.

Accept Each Other’s Differences

Since dealing with aging parents can create different reactions among the children, a family meeting can be a good opportunity to share feelings and ideas.

Be sure to listen to each family member so that you understand where they are coming from. This will help with all future family discussions. If necessary, be open to compromise or finding new solutions as long as no one’s safety or life is at risk.

This is also a good time for siblings to let others know what help they can provide. It can lead the way into setting up a schedule for personal visits, phone calls, etc., to make sure parents receive the proper amount of attention. It might also be a good time to decide who could take the responsibility for paying bills and dealing with insurance and Medicare.

A family meeting could also be informative as to know whether a sibling could become a primary caregiver by offering housing and care, or if other alternatives need to be investigated.

During this process, family members need to be straightforward about finances because they are a key component. Depending on your situation, your parents’ options could vary from living at home with home care and family support, to a retirement community, to an assisted living facility that accepts Medicaid.

Sole Providers

If you are an only child or your siblings are not available to help, caring for your parents can be quite stressful and burdensome. While you won’t have the added stresses of family differences, you will have less help with expenses, time and other matters.

If you find yourself doing it on your own, be sure to take care of yourself first and then seek out help from others, such as religious or community groups that your parents have been involved with, or a geriatric care manager or social worker whose job is to help people in your exact situation.

Watching parents age is not an easy thing to do. It can lead to sibling confrontations of who does or doesn’t do what, who’s in charge and who pays the bills. I’m hopeful that a few of the tips above will help ease the burden for your family.