It can be a difficult process when children become the responsible parties for their aging parents.
Both sides have to adjust when the younger generation comes in to take care of and make decisions for their mother and/or father who raised them and made all of their early-life decisions.
Watching parents lose their independence, due to physical and/or mental reasons, can be extremely challenging to deal with. For some, it can come as quite a shock, which is compounded by the added responsibility.
As a caregiver for the elderly, I am starting a series this month about the various issues that people face as their parents age. I’ll talk about everything from today’s topic – role reversal – to finances and sharing responsibilities with siblings.
For children in a new role as the “adult” or “parental figure” in the relationship, one of the best suggestions I can make is to make sure you communicate with your parents, so that you can learn and respect their desires.
That means having candid conversations with them about upcoming choices and decisions that will have to be made, such as living arrangements, finances and medical care, including advanced directives or living wills.
You also need to make sure you don’t go overboard. As children, it won’t do you any good to spend every waking hour visiting them and making sure they are taken care of. If they move to an assisted living facility, such as Country Home Assisted Living in Parker, you will know they are well taken care of – even if you are not there.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t visit. As the owner of Country Home for more than 18 years, I highly encourage family members to come and visit as often as their life allows. It is so beneficial when my residents have their families come to see them – or better yet, take their elderly loved ones out for lunch or a family outing.
If you can’t make it as frequently as you would like, give yourself a break. Feeling guilty or making yourself exhausted by doing too much will not be good for anyone.
You also can’t force your loved ones to do something they don’t want to do. I’ve known several elderly people who have simply refused to do physical therapy, which would have enhanced the quality of their life.
At some point, there’s only so much a child can do. If possible, the elderly individual should make the final decision.
Proper eating can be another battleground where children have to tread carefully.
As difficult as it can be to care for an elderly parent, there are some positives. For example, this is a time that can be a real bonding experience. Think of how close you were to your parents when you were little. You leaned on them for just about everything. But then you grew up, moved away and started off on your own busy life.
Hopefully this will give you a chance to become closer to your parent again.
I know it also gives parents a wonderful opportunity to build a stronger emotional connection to their children, which of course, makes them happier in the end.